If Your Man Knew What to Say, Here’s What He Might Say If He Knew You Feared His Potential For Violence...

Excerpted from Warren Farrell's Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say.

(Permission to reprint granted by Warren Farrell.)
See www.warrenfarrell.com and www.warrenfarrell.info.

 

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What Happens In Other Cultures?

I reviewed a dozen studies that covered seven non-US countries (Great Britain, New Zealand, Finland, British Honduras, Canada, Puerto Rico, Israel) and a number of sub-cultures within the United States (Quakers, Mormons, military, Mexican-Americans).

In almost all of these cultures, the women were either equally violent to the men, or more violent than the men (Puerto Rico being the only exception).59 However, the women were much more likely to exercise severe violence. It was not uncommon for the women to be three times as likely to exercise severe violence, although on average it was about twice as often.

One of the best non-US studies was a New Zealand study that followed more than 1000 children from when they were three until the age of 21. Because the researchers knew these people for 18 years, the response rate was high, as was the trust level (or at least that’s what they tell us!). Their findings? By the age of 21, women had perpetrated minor violence against men in the previous year 36% of the time vs. men’s 22%.60 However, women had perpetrated severe violence against men 19% of the time vs. men’s 6% – more than three times the rate of severe violence.

I was curious to see if Quakers were, in fact, less violent. The answer? Yes and no. Both husbands and wives reported pushing, shoving, and grabbing at about the 15% level, which is slightly higher than it was in the overall American population at the time of the Quaker study (12% women; 11% men61).62 However, when it came to severe violence, the Quaker women did better than the average American woman (2.5% vs. 4.4%63) and the men were considerably less violent on the severe level than the average American man was (0.8% vs. 3%64). Again, among the Quakers, as in many other groups, severe violence was about three times as frequent for the women as the men.

Among a mostly-Mormon sample, the violence levels were similar to the US at large.65 Among military couples, the men and women both exhibited equal amounts of violence, and more than in the population at large.66 Among Mexican-Americans, there was no difference between the genders.67

The real value of studying both sexes is how many hints it gives us at reducing domestic violence – especially on the severe level. For example, in more traditional cultures, like Puerto Rico and the military, the sexes do not have the tools to know how to stop escalating violence. Whereas among Quakers, with its non-traditional emphasis on peaceful means of conflict resolution, severe violence by women is lower and by men is rare.

It appears, then, that education toward non-violence helps. Especially men. But if the Quakers are a model, the good news is that they are able to achieve this level of non-violence by men within the framework of a violent society; the more challenging news is the Quaker education process is not just a few classes, but a way of life. Which is why Part I of this book is really the biggest part of the “solution” to domestic violence.